A Top Ten Memoir: 1996 - "No single bite could satisfy..."
Five years after earning my Master of Education and working in higher education, I made a major decision: I was going back to school to study film.
The goal was to get another Master’s Degree with the intention of teaching and writing about film. Where I was going to do this was uncertain. I knew I still had to make ends meet but I considered many possibilities. I was not interested in making films, which ruled out a few programs including Chicago’s Columbia College where my friend Mauro had gone and where most local students who wanted to study film went at the time. I was so determined to move in this direction that I even applied to New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts and the University of Wisconsin at Madison. Both would require me to move, at least temporarily, to complete their respective programs. I asked Frank to write one of my letters of recommendation since I had spent so much time co-leading the Broadway Bound courses with him. Thinking about it in retrospect, it seems like a pretty selfish and uncaring thing for me to do since I was essentially asking Frank to write me a letter which would keep me away from him. But Frank, being the do-gooder and non-complainer went ahead with it. I also applied to the University of Chicago which had a General Studies in the Humanities program, allowing one to create their own graduate degrees consisting of whatever graduate courses they wanted within the Humanities division.
I applied for a student loan to help with expenses but hoped I could get some kind of grant. I had no real clear idea how I was going to afford all of this but knew I had to try and figure it out. After sending off all of my applications, I waited…and waited. Around this time the country group Lonestar, whom my Top Ten friend Jim introduced me to, released the song No News. It quickly became a favorite as I waited to find out which direction my life was heading. It’s a rollicking tune, unlike anything that had been in my Top Ten for years, perhaps since Juice Newton’s Queen of Hearts in ’81. Jim was bringing a lot of country to our annual party so I was getting used to songs with classical pop structures, a country bend, and easy to follow lyrics. This one featured a guy singing about his woman who has left him with “no news” of a return.
“She could telephone, tell a friend
Tell a lie about where she's been
Send a pigeon, send a fax
Write it on a postal pack
Send a signal up in smoke
Tap it out in morse code
I'd prefer a bad excuse to no news…”
Then I started hearing back: rejected by both UW and NYU. I was a bit hurt and insulted as I already had a Master’s Degree from Loyola with all but one A in each of my courses. From the same album Lonestar recorded another song, Heartbroke Every Day which also seemed to reflect my mood:
“Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I want the one that wants somebody else?
Don't you know
I'd get my heartbroke every day if I could.”
I loved the song for not only it’s lyrical relevance but also because it had a very energetic production and such a great and easy to remember verse and chorus (which I always appreciated.) Still, it was an interesting coincidence that the bad news and song were happening at the same time.
But then came the good news: I was accepted into the MA program at the University of Chicago. This was the easiest to deal with as I could continue working, live at home, and commute into the city. It was a thrill to have a reason to be back in Chicago and to attend one of the most prestigious universities in the world! I was able to develop my program with all film courses focusing on everything from Italian and Indian cinema to Classical and Post-Classical Hollywood cinema.
I began the transition in the summer. I informed Mary at North Central that I’d be resigning in September. She was also moving on to an administration position at Northwestern University so it seemed like the best time for us to be parting ways. My colleague and buddy Cathy threw me a very nice going away party that made me feel like I really had accomplished something during those four years at the college.
In the meantime, I had become professionally connected to some of the advisers at the College of Du Page (COD) since my recruiting territory at North Central had largely consisted of its transfer students. I was able to land a part-time advising position with them and started the work well before the U of C program was to start in the Fall. I was particularly thrilled with this position because Frank taught at COD and I was really hoping that my future would lie with getting a job teaching film there. I was feeling great and optimistic!
My Top Ten of 1996:
1. No News – Lonestar
2. Stupid Girl – Garbage
3. Heartbroke Every Day – Lonestar
4. We’ve Got it Goin’ On – Backstreet Boys
5. Fingertips – Poe
6. Dolphin – Poe
7. Caramel – Suzanne Vega
8. So Much to Say – Dave Matthews Band
9. Amateur – Aimee Mann
10. Tripping Billies – Dave Matthews Band
The Dave Matthews Band released their Crash album in ’96 which featured two songs that would end up in my Top Ten. Tripping Billies was, like No News, a rollicking, country/rock number which celebrated good times:
“Eat, drink, and be merry
For tomorrow, we’ll die”
It seemed to be the right time to move my career in a new direction. I didn’t want to regret not exploring this passion. I already had plenty of knowledge about film and the entertainment business and was ready to express it all through teaching and writing. Related to this, the other Dave Matthews’ song which really captured my feelings at the time was So Much to Say:
“Open up my head and let me out, a little baby
Here we have been standing for a long, long time
Treading trodden trails for a long, long time….
So much to say, so much to say….”
Even the new boy band Backstreet Boys seemed to be expressing some exuberant feelings which I related to in their first release, We’ve Got it Goin’ On:
“We've been waiting so long
Just can't hold it back no more!
Creepin' up and down now
It's time for me to let it go!”
And let it go I did. First at COD. I remember listening to Poe’s album on my way home from advising. The song Dolphin expressed that need I had to move on:
“There's a broken beam inside of the big big bridge
I guess that whole thing is caving in
Maybe it is time I learn how to swim
I'll be a dolphin, I'll be a dolphin
Sometimes I think I'm breaking down
And other times I think that I'm fine
But something got into my engine
It slowed me down
Now I gotta turn this whole thing around”
Poe would go on to sing:
“There's not a lot I believe anymore
I mistrust everything I had been longing for
There's not a lot that I know anymore
But I know if a good bridge is burning
You gotta be a dolphin...You gotta be a dolphin”
I guess I was swimming towards who I really was wanting to become at age 33.
We continued our many travels including our annual New York trip, Galena weekends with my college friends, and a trip up to Green Bay, Wisconsin with my mom, stepfather Ray (who had been diagnosed with cancer earlier in the year), my brother Jeff, and his soon-to-be wife Shelley.
In September, Frank and I took a trip to Southern Decadence in New Orleans with Steve and Pete.
One of Steve’s friends showed an interest in me during that trip. At one dinner, he started touching me under the table as the rest of us were trying to enjoy our dinner. I had to admit to being flattered to be getting the attention. I was only beginning to feel more confident in myself and my looks to even entertain the idea that someone other than Frank might find me attractive and it felt good.
Perhaps facetiously, Poe’s song Fingertips also made my Top Ten that year:
“Your fingertips... your fingertips…Sometimes I feel it burning
That deep and primal yearning
I feel it burn, burn, burning
I try live without it
But then I think about
Those fingertips, those fingertips, those fingertips
Anyone will do, anyone will do
Could be you”
Similarly, that fall when I began my studies at the University of Chicago, I met a guy in class who suggested we do dinner and a movie some time. It never happened, but he was attractive and I thought about him when I heard Suzanne Vega’s Caramel:
“It won't do
To stir a deep desire,
To fan a hidden fire
That can never burn true.
I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
These things begin;
But I don't know
How I would live with myself,
What I'd forgive of myself
If you don't go.
So goodbye,
Sweet appetite,
No single bite
Could satisfy...”
My life was with Frank who turned 50 that year.
I felt passion all around me. Being at the University of Chicago was thrilling yet also very challenging. Sometimes I wasn’t sure I was up to the work and the competition with so many other intelligent students. I actually kept pretty quiet during my classes for fear of appearing stupid – even though I was much older than most of the other students in my classes. Yes, that’s one of the connections to Garbage’s Stupid Girl:
“You pretend you're high
Pretend you're bored
Pretend you're anything
Just to be adored
And what you need
Is what you get.”
This was an incredibly catchy and well-produced alternative/dance song. It had the pulsating energy of an 80’s pop hit yet also expressed something very personal. Perhaps I just wanted to attract attention and be adored. Perhaps I got all I needed from Frank. I wouldn’t really be able to accept that for several years yet it’s interesting how it turned up in these lyrics in ’96.
Finally, Aimee Mann rounded out my Top Ten again with the song Amateur from her album I’m With Stupid. The one thing I could never say about Frank was that he was stupid. Rather he was more intelligent than most people I knew. But he wasn’t as emotionally focused as many of my friends were. Mann sang about something related in the song:
“Despite conclusions I drew
There was a chance you'd surprise me
And you'd be better than you
Cause I'd have left otherwise
I was hoping that you'd know better than that
I was hoping but you're an amateur
I was hoping that you'd know better
But I've been wrong before”
Maybe I wanted him to be more emotional and yet maybe his intelligence, stability, and undying love for me was just what I needed. Perhaps I was the amateur in this relationship and still needed to figure that out.
Links to my Top Ten of 1996:
Other favorites from 1996:
Only Happy When it Rains - Garbage, You’re with Stupid Now - Aimee Mann, Too Much - Dave Matthews Band, Ladder - Joan Osborne, Headshots - Suzanne Vega, All Over Now - Aimee Mann, Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple, Give Me One Reason - Tracy Chapman, Smashing Young Man - Collective Soul, If It Makes You Happy - Sheryl Crow, Fastlove - George Michael
What are your favorites from ‘96? Any stories to go along with those songs?
Wow. My 50th party seems like yesterday when I watch that video. Good times. I was so happy when you were able to stay in Chicago to go to graduate school. It was a great opportunity which you took full advantage of (and still do). Nice to relive this year!
Never heard "No News" -- great song and love the video.
Congrats on getting into U of C! So glad you got to stay with Frank, and sounds like an ideal program for you.
First time I heard "Stupid Girl" too -- really fun song.