A Top Ten Memoir: 2010 - "So magnetic..."
The ceremonious return of a high school friend.
Time first for a lengthy story… In late December, 2009, James Cameron’s highly anticipated new film Avatar was released. It quickly became a huge box office hit and an immediate favorite for multiple Oscars. As the critics began to announce nominees for their various awards, I noticed the name of the film’s Director of Photography as Mauro Fiore. Yes, my high school friend and perhaps one of my first major crushes, shot what would become the highest grossing film in the history of cinema.
This prompted me to get back in contact with my old Palatine friends, Paula, Michelle, and John. We decided that if Mauro got nominated for an Oscar, I’d have a party to view the show.
On a morning in late January he indeed was nominated for Best Cinematography. I was beyond excited! On my way down to DePaul that morning I gave Mauro a call to congratulate him. Although we had lost touch for a long time we had connected through Classmates.com a few years earlier. At the time, he was working on a television commercial so our chat was brief. This time we chatted a bit longer. He almost seemed a bit unfazed by the nomination and we talked about high school and the time I came out to him a few years later. It was a thrilling and happy conversation. He mentioned that he would be coming to town for a Q & A at his alma mater, Columbia College. That institution, with its then successful film program, is down the street from DePaul on Wabash Avenue in Chicago. He gave me a name to contact for reserved house seats. Of course, I was beyond excited. I went to my classes beaming that I knew an Oscar nominee and perhaps I’d get him to come speak to one of our sessions!
I was on cloud nine. I felt re-connected to my old friend who had now reached the pinnacle of success within the film industry. I contacted Palatine High School to let them know an alum was an Oscar nominee. I contacted Paula, Michelle, and John. Michelle, now living in Virginia, made plans to fly to Chicago for Oscar night. I contacted my friend and colleague Ron at DePaul and gloated about this major accomplishment. On some level, the fact that I knew someone who was having a major moment in the film industry seemed like it might give me a higher profile and more credibility at DePaul.
A few weeks later, the Columbia event was held. Frank, Ron, and his wife Jill and I all attended. We had reserved front row seats to hear our friend talk, almost bashfully, about his career. Afterwards, there was a reception. Mauro was very gracious and seemed genuinely happy to see me. He was bombarded by students and colleagues while I stood close by feeling like I was an important part of his past.
People asked, “wow, you went to high school with him?!” I was in! I was important! As the evening was winding down, I gave Mauro my card and he said, “Thanks, I’d really like to talk to you.” I hadn’t been able to book him to speak to one of my classes but figured his schedule was pretty tight at Columbia.
On the night of the Oscars, Michelle, Paula and her husband Ron (who was also a friend from Palatine), John, and his wife came over.
It was a very special reunion. Unfortunately, John left early and was unable to be present for Mauro’s category. However, the rest of us stood with bated breath as Sandra Bullock read off the nominees.
And the Oscar went to….Mauro Fiore for Avatar! The scream in our living room was filled with surprise, shock, and ecstasy! We all fell on the ground and shouted out our happiness for Mauro.
At one point, when Paula and I were alone, I cried a bit, as I expressed how important Mauro had been in my life and how thrilled I was to have him back in it. We then called his number and left a very enthusiastic congratulatory voice message. It would only figure that brave, non-conforming, punk-loving Mauro would have received this much attention from us and the world.
As the weeks went on, I hoped for a message back from Mauro. Sadly, it never came. At first I thought he was really busy in this post-Oscar period but that I’d eventually hear from him. I never did. I felt hurt and foolish. Why had I put him so high on a pedestal after so many years? I had thought about him a lot during the previous twenty-five years and really hoped I’d get to spend some time with him again. Now I felt abandoned and inconsequential in his life again. It occurred to me that he’d never tried to get hold of me in all of those years and never invited me to his wedding. Why didn’t he ever reach out? I let out a major cry to my therapist Joanne about the whole Mauro situation. It was clear that he had always been extremely special to me and now I felt let down by him.
My Top Ten of 2010:
1. I Am Not a Robot - Marina & the Diamonds
2. You Overdid It Doll – The Courteeners
3. Nobody but You – The Apples in Stereo
4. I Like It – Enrique Iglesias featuring Pitbull
5. Boat Behind – Kings of Convenience
6. Misery – Maroon 5
7. I Need a Dollar – Aloe Blacc
8. Write About Love – Belle & Sebastian
9. The Ghost Inside – Broken Bells
10. Boyfriend – Best Coast
That whole Winter and Spring I was pretty affected by all of these events and memories associated with Mauro. Of course, this would have a major impact on the music I was keyed into that year. The band Best Coast released the very alternative, poppy, 60s sounding Boyfriend. It quickly became a favorite and took me back to those days in high school and my attachment to Mauro:
“I wish he was my boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end
But instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend
There's nothing worse than sitting all alone at home
And waiting waiting waiting waiting by the phone
I hope that he's at home
Waiting by his phone
I wonder if he knows
That I want him”
Michelle reminded me about how difficult it was to ever really pin Mauro down in high school. We never really knew if and when he wanted to hang out with us. Getting him on the phone then was perhaps just as difficult as it was now. I was beginning to realize that there were certain limits to the friendship we’d had.
Kings of Convenience released a song called Boat Behind which also addressed some of my feelings for Mauro in retrospect:
“So we meet again
after several years
several years of separation
moving on
moving around…
Ohohohoh, I could never belong to you”
Of course, that was assuredly a one-sided lyric from my perspective. Perhaps I was disappointed in not only how the current situation turned out but perhaps I felt like Mauro sold out in his quest for Hollywood fame. Why wasn’t he making thoughtful, independent films instead of blockbusters? The Mauro we knew in high school would never follow trends. Broken Bells’ song, while I didn’t think about it at the time, calls this to mind:
“Was it all for show?
Don't turn into one of them”
Still I felt a loss for Mauro in the present and I guess I was also grieving the loss of him as a friend way back in 1984 when he failed to show up for a party at the apartment Angie and I had my senior year at UIC. Why couldn’t we have ever talked about all this? Pop group Maroon 5 had a hit out called Misery:
“So scared of breaking it
That you won't let it bend
And I wrote two hundred letters
I will never send
Sometimes these cuts are so much
Deeper then they seem
You'd rather cover up
I'd rather let them bleed
So let me be
And I'll set you free”
In the end, though, it was the song I Am Not a Robot by Marina and the Diamonds that hit so many of the Mauro-related feelings I was experiencing from those high school years as they returned in 2010:
“You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing
I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable
I am not a robot
You're lovable, so lovable
But you're just troubled”
I wanted to tell Mauro that I wasn’t like everybody else that was likely clamoring for his attention in light of Avatar and the Oscar win. Everything we did together back in the 80s and any contact I’d had with him since felt special because he was so lovable and so magnetic. Some of us felt unloved in high school and he did pick up our pins. However, I’m not a robot and I do have feelings. I just wish I could have expressed them to him.
Belle and Sebastian released a song called Write About Love which reflected how I would choose to deal with all of these feelings. I began writing a full-length screenplay about him. I called it Carlo from Calabria. Yes, I changed Mauro’s name but he was born in Calabria, Italy. It was a wonderful and cathartic release to write this script. As I showed it to my colleague Ron and another DePaul faculty member, Josh, I told them, “This script is like an exorcism. It’s full of stuff I needed to get out.” They both gave me a lot of great feedback, as did Michelle and Paula when I sent it to them. However, I don’t think it was ever anything I seriously thought I would, or someone else would, make. It was just a great release.
Though it might not seem like it based on all of the above, and perhaps suggested by The Courteeners’ song, You Overdid it Doll, but 2010 was ultimately about other things. I did get down at times and was given a new prescription for Zoloft to help with my anxiety which certainly was rearing its head pretty regularly. Aloe Blacc’s song I Need a Dollar was not specifically about anxiety but the artist’s great Bill Withers’ sounding voice resonated with me as he passionately sang:
“Well I don't know if I'm walking on solid ground
'Cause everything around me is crumbling down
And all I want is for someone to help me”
Of course, my world was hardly crumbling down but my anxiety made it feel that way sometimes. There were many positive things happening. I did continue to enjoy trips, such as another Caribbean Cruise where we bonded with new friends from Toronto: Neil, Jeff, and Lesley. We also had a nice weekend in Saugatuck, Michigan with our gay friends where we painted pottery, picked raspberries, and had fun dinners at our beautiful hotel, The Belvedere Inn.
I had developed into a massive fan of the TV series Lost. So, when it was about to end I planned a finale party. Frank was out of town at his niece’s graduation party (sorry I missed that Sara!) but friends Marco, Elise, Jeff, Lauren, and Jake all came over for the big event. If you’ve seen Lost you’ll appreciate the following video including our immediate reactions once the show ended.
My interest in soccer continued to grow (thanks Mauro and my former student Mike…) as I sat consumed by the World Cup.
Devo came to town to support their latest release. Afterwards I got to meet the band and they signed my copy of their 1980 album Freedom of Choice (thanks again Mauro for dancing to their music in your basement back then.) Front man Mark Mothersbaugh took a bite out of the cover’s corner and spit it into the sleeve. A very Devo moment!
Broadway Bound was in one of its last years but we had a great time again with our many friends joining us.
After many years of knowing none of our neighbors, Frank and I were also becoming closer with Frank and Joe, a gay couple who had moved in a few years earlier. We bonded over our dogs and many martini’s in our respective homes.
We also became closer to our other local friends Marco, Elise, Sal, and Linda. We’d enjoy many dinners out and celebrate each other’s birthdays. It was great to have the opportunity to finally choose between spending time in the city (which involved a lot of driving) or out in the burbs. Enrique Iglesias had a very positive song out called I Like It which also exuded so much of the positive energy I needed throughout the year.
In the end, perhaps it was Frank that was really bringing the most joy to my life. Forget Mauro and the past! The Apples in Stereo’s Nobody But You perhaps said it best:
“I don’t wanna be with nobody but you!”
He continued to remain my rock throughout all of my joys and sorrows.
Links to my Top Ten of 2010:
Other favorites from 2010:
What We Do - Devo, Never Give You Up - The Black Keys, I Came Here to Get Over You - Brandon Flowers, Mongrel Heart - Broken Bells, Round and Round - Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti, 11th Dimension - Julian Casablancas, The High Road - Broken Bells, So Happy I Could Die - Lady Gaga, I Can Change - LCD Soundsystem, Clear Skies - Keane, Jail La La - Dum Dum Girls, Hey Elevator - The Apples in Stereo
What are some of your favorites from 2010?
Lost video is hilarious (to me). A party and discussion of the last episode of Lost. Hysterical. We were serious people.
Have to say, year after year of your posts I've thought how lovely Frank has come across. Def your rock!
I couldn't help noticing that liquor cart next to him. I'm assuming that wasn't just for him!
But I do have to second Beth's comment. We all have a Mauro, and sometimes we are a Mauro ourselves when we don't reach out to people for whatever reason. Shame and guilt, the story of our lives when it comes to dropped relationships! The stories I could share too, but I enjoyed yours more, Dan. I can see it making a really good screenplay!