A Top Ten Memoir: 1981 - "The best things in life..."
When the year started, I was less than six months away from graduating high school. Michelle and Paula became the central focus of my social life, along with John J., Mauro, and Eric. John had graduated early and was already embarking on his college life. He spent a lot of time with us though. Weekend nights with “the gang” were a given.
One memorable night Michelle and Paula invited John and I over for dinner. As we discussed the different foods we liked, I declared, “I hate pork chops!” only to find that they had made the “other” white meat for our main course! Both were great sports though. They were between boyfriends but it was made pretty clear that all of us were “just friends.” Another memorable night, we had Michelle’s friend Ron, who was 19, drive all of us up to Wisconsin to buy beer. The drinking age was lower there than in Illinois so it was worth the hour journey there and then again back. We’d listen to Bob Marley and the new wave songs Mauro liked such as something called Sun Spots, while Michelle sat on his lap going to Wisconsin and then declaring on the way back, “I call same seats!” All in the name of good times and beer.
1. Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around – Stevie Nicks & Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
2. Queen of Hearts – Juice Newton
3. Slow Hand – The Pointer Sisters
4. Bette Davis Eyes – Kim Carnes
5. Kiss on My List – Daryl Hall & John Oates
6. Super Freak – Rick James
7. Jessie’s Girl – Rick Springfield
8. Her Town Too – James Taylor & J.D. Souther
9. Urgent – Foreigner
10. Boy From New York City – Manhattan Transfer
I had a not so busy final semester in high school, including my first Film Studies course, and would spend hours talking to Paula, Michelle, and John on the phone. We’d discuss everything from what we did at school to what the big plans were for the weekend. Occasionally, my own insecurities surrounding having so many great people in my life would lead me to hurt easily or say things like, “maybe we shouldn’t hang around each other so much.” I feared being abandoned by them. Truth was, I enjoyed these people so much I wanted to be with them as much as possible. Daryl Hall & John Oates’ exuberant song Kiss on My List expresses the great joy of a kiss (which was only so-so again for me with another girl in ’81, Nicole) but to me it reflects the time I had with this group. They were “the best things in life!”
Paula, in particular, fascinated me. She had a few previous boyfriends, like a lot of girls did by this age, and we’d joke about her being “freaky.” Rick James’ Super Freak became our affectionate song for her. Paula never seemed to mind though. We’d laugh and dance to the song whenever it was played.
Her parents had a condominium in the city and we’d head down once in a while to wander the streets and eat Chicago pizza at Gino’s East with Mauro, his yellow pants, and spikey haircut. Paula’s parents were a wonderful couple who never failed to ask us lots of questions when we’d pick Paula up. There was a pleasant but tough (ala Mary Tyler Moore in Ordinary People) air about her mom in particular who was sophisticated and yet down to earth. She was always very inquisitive about where I was going to college and what I was planning to major in. It felt that their interest in my life was greater than what I was experiencing at home. By now, my stepfather Ray rarely talked to my siblings and I. He spent most of his time viewing the movies he recorded on our new VCR. Ray and my mother never asked questions about what I was doing, where I was going, or what I wanted to do next in life. It was assumed I’d go to college, but they left that completely up to me. Paula’s parents were much more involved in their daughters’ lives, perhaps sometimes to the annoyance of Paula, but I found them cool and completely interested seemingly unlike my own mother and stepfather.
For graduation though, my parents threw me a big party. I invited lots of friends, more than I’d ever had in our Palatine house. They also hired a videographer to record the entire event on tape. Michelle and I did a performance of our favorite “duet,” Meat Loaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Light. We played badminton and I was showered with gifts. My favorite may have been the green Izod Polo shirt, which was all the rage at the time, and a back pack from Mauro. He said, “you’ll need these in college.” His sister Maria was majoring in psychology at Loyola University in Chicago. I too had decided to pick psychology as my major but would attend the University of Illinois at Chicago Circle (UICC, later dropping the “Circle” which was the expressway interchange near the campus...) Since my sister Judy had attended there, I had her give me a tour. It seemed quite an interesting place with its large lecture halls and overhead walkways. Everything about it looked different from my high school in Palatine, but I was thrilled: I’d be back in the city! Going there for summer orientation only further confirmed that I had made the right choice.
Sadly, about a month after the graduation party I had some of the gang over to watch the graduation video. When we turned it on and all we saw was snow on the screen, I knew something was up. I called my mom to come downstairs and showed her the issue. We then realized she hadn’t taken the tab off of the videotape leaving it vulnerable to being reused. Apparently, mom had decided to record something on television. She had accidently used the tape but recorded the wrong channel – one that wasn’t even broadcasting! So, essentially she taped over the entire graduation party with nothing! Mom was sick over this mistake not only because she and Ray had spent hundreds of dollars on the videographer but she had always been the one who filmed and archived our lives. I was upset but, in retrospect, the memories of that day remained very strong and I do have many still photos. As Ray once said in his rare discussions with us, “No one can take a memory away from you.” Here is a brief video of stills from that party:
Prior to all of this I had begun a friendship with a guy from my high school class named Tony. He was friends with Mike, someone I had met in Creative Composition class during senior year. Mike was “pre-engaged” to Marlee who was two years older than us. Tony, Mike, and Marlee were among the many guests at my graduation party. I enjoyed Marlee quite a bit. She loved funky R & B music like Rick James and Prince, and loved to dance. She, Tony, and I would often head to the local coffee shop, coincidently called Perkins (my first grammar school’s name), and drink coffee until all hours of the night.
By summer, Tony and I became great friends. He had an uncle in Los Angeles and asked if I wanted to join him for a trip to visit him and others he knew in southern California. I was skeptical at first as I hadn’t traveled alone since my trip to Oklahoma four years earlier. I didn’t have a job, having been laid off from Walgreens months earlier, and no money. Nevertheless, Tony convinced me to take $800 out of my savings account and to book a flight with him to L.A. The plan was to spend a couple weeks there, staying with Tony’s various relatives and friends. We’d visit Hollywood, Disneyland, and San Diego. All of this was right up my alley and I enjoyed spending time with Tony. He was a lot of fun and took control over most of what we did. We’d go shopping for clothes “that you couldn’t yet get in Chicago!” Within a couple days I was out of money and had to have my mother wire me more. Tony’s uncle quickly put us on an “allowance” so we wouldn’t spend so quickly and frivolously.
It was during this trip that Tony and I bonded on many of the songs that would go on to make my Top Ten of 1981. We’d drive around Hollywood singing Juice Newton’s Queen of Hearts and heartthrob Rick Springfield’s Jessie’s Girl.
Springfield was also an actor on General Hospital which we didn’t watch but did become glued to another ABC soap opera: All My Children. While we hung out at the uncle’s house, we’d watch the early days of Greg and Jenny’s relationship and howl with laughter over the accent and antics of Opal Gardner.
There was a great lightness of spirit surrounding Tony. He liked silly things and words like “panty hose” and “pickles.” Not surprisingly, we were also fond of the “Doo Wah Doo Wah, Poo Poo Pity” from Manhattan Transfer’s Boy From New York City -a silly but fun song. Neither of us really realized that we were singing along to a song about being “nuts about the boy from New York City.” Tony’s uncle tried to set us up with at least one girl, but we were not interested in the beautiful blonde.
I remember first hearing the Stevie Nicks/Tom Petty duet Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around during this trip. It had a haunting rock arrangement, great vocals, and a killer chorus. The song’s video, one of the first I had seen, also left a big impression on me even if it was only a lip-synced performance. The song raged with fire and energy that ripped through my emotional world at the time. Was I reflecting on the thoughts I’d have about Mauro? My friends?
This was also the year of big concerts: Styx (with Eric mistakenly asking “Do you think they’ll play Dust in the Wind?), Linda Ronstadt, and perhaps most memorably, Foreigner. They had a huge album out that year, Foreigner 4, featuring the funky/new wavy Urgent which quickly became a favorite. Their performance of another of the album’s tracks, Jukebox Hero, featured a giant jukebox on stage which seemed to come to life in a wonderfully monstrous manner.
Kim Carnes’ Bette Davis Eyes was the big record of the year in ’81, spending 10 weeks atop the Billboard charts. It sounded unlike anything else at the time but had the increasingly popular synthesized sound which was a big element of the trendy New Wave music that was becoming more and more a part of pop radio. The lyrics were also cool with its descriptive references to the great movie star Bette Davis and others like Jean Harlow: “Her hair is Harlow gold. Her lips a sweet surprise. Her hands are never cold. She’s got Bette Davis eyes.”
In this whole Top Ten, James Taylor and J.D. Souther’s Her Town Too seemed to be the outlier. It’s such a quiet song about the end of a relationship (presumably Taylor’s end with Carly Simon) but the vocal harmonies were stellar. It also quickly became a favorite for its soft simplicity – very different from most of the other songs in my Top Ten.
Near the end of the summer, college was on the horizon but I was still enjoying my time with friends. John J. would regularly hang out and then stay overnight as his family had moved a couple of towns away by ‘81. I was never one to give up my bed, so John would stay on the floor in a sleeping bag. John and I would always have deep conversations at this time. We’d talk about everything. One night he said, “why don’t you come down and sleep on the floor next to me?” I didn’t know what to say but ultimately replied, “no, I’m good up here.” As the days went on, I’d say to everyone from Paula to Tony that I thought John might be gay. No one really understood it and we kind of laughed about it. We’d discuss other friends like Mike and his sexual orientation. Because Mike was holding out for marriage before he’d have sex with Marlee, Tony said, “He can’t be gay. He’s too nice.” What did we know about being gay at the time?!
However, when this situation happened more than once with John, I began to really consider his offer. By this time, John was very well-built from weightlifting, had a great smile, and nice blonde hair.
I began to realize that what he was asking may have been something I wanted to try. Finally, one day I asked him, “John, when you go to the beach, do you look at the guys or the girls?” His response was “the girls.” I said, “I look at the guys.” I was surprised that this came out of my mouth but knew it was true. John, being very open-minded and willing to experiment with anything said he’d received a joint from his uncle and why didn’t we smoke it and see what happens? After taking a few puffs and my first taste of marijuana, John and I proceeded to walk the streets around Palatine and broke a few bottles of beer for fun. We then headed back to my bedroom where I finally laid on the floor next to him. Not having had any sexual experience before this, I let John run the show. Our experience together was beyond magical for me. The explosion I felt inside was unlike anything I ever consciously or unconsciously imagined before this time. It felt completely right. For the next several months (and years) John and I would get together periodically. He was, as popular culture would later deem, a “friend with benefits.”
That Fall Tony and I visited him at Illinois Wesleyan University. While Tony went out with a “girlfriend” for the evening, John and I stayed in his dorm and enjoyed each other. I didn’t think of him as my boyfriend rather we were spiritual soul mates and great friends sharing love and our bodies. I feel eternally grateful to John that my first experiences with a man were with someone so gentle and caring. He was truly a special friend. As the Pointer Sisters sang in Slow Hand “I found a lover with a slow hand. I found somebody with an easy touch. I found somebody who will spend some time, not come and go in an easy rush. When it comes to love, I want a slow hand.”
I didn’t talk about this with anyone for a while though. Michelle was the first person I told after that I was gay. Soon after, Paula. I couldn’t have had more supportive friends. They were always understanding and let me talk about my sexual orientation freely and openly. Even John felt comfortable in declaring out loud in a movie line, “I’m bisexual!” to Paula and I. I’m forever grateful for all of them for making this initial coming out process so easy and comforting.
That Fall I entered the University of Illinois at Chicago a different person. I enjoyed the long train commute from Palatine where I could study my psychology, Spanish, and mass media texts. I enjoyed the large classrooms where there were no cliques and one could be anonymous and create any identity they wanted. I saw many other young men who I was attracted to and realized I was exactly where I needed to be.
Links to my Top Ten of 1981:
Other favorite songs from 1981:
Arc of a Diver - Steve Winwood, Hard to Say - Dan Fogelberg, (Want You) Back in My Life Again - Carpenters, Cool Night - Paul Davis, Super Trouper - ABBA, Spirits in the Material World - The Police, All I Do - Stevie Wonder, Fireflies - Fleetwood Mac, The Sweetest Thing (I’ve Ever Known) - Juice Newton, Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks, The Waiting - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Tempted - Squeeze
What are your favorites from 1981?
Next Up…1982…”You can do anything that you desire…”
This would be my Top 10 songs from that year (in pretty much chronological order)
Rapture-Blondie
What Kind of Fool-Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb
How ‘Bout Us-Champaign
Sweetheart-Frankie and the Knockouts
The Stroke-Billy Squire
In the Air Tonight-Phil Collins
Draw of the Cards-Kim Carnes
Physical-Olivia Newton-John
Waiting for a Girl Like You-Foreigner
I Can’t Go For That-Hall and Oates
……………….
ALSO LOVED THESE:
Queen of Hearts-Juice Newton. ……. We’re in this Love Together-Al Jarreau
Touch Me When We’re Dancing-Carpenters. ….. Living Inside Myself-Gino Vanelli
Urgent-Foreigner. …….. When She Was My Girl-Four Tops
Betty Davis Eyes-Kim Carnes. ……. Ah, Leah-Donny Iris
Really Wanna Know You-Gary Wright. …….. Harden My Heart-Quarterflash
Slow Hand-Pointer Sisters. …… Who’s Crying Now-Journey
What a pivotal year for you! I love the progression from feeling friendless after the move to Palatine to being quite the bell (no “e” at the end for male) of the ball by graduation. This will be very familiar to those who blossomed in high school. I know or have met most of these people and with one rare exception, like them all.