A Top Ten Memoir: 2004 - "The sun is gonna shine in June..."
My love of jazz-tinged pop continued into 2004. It was as if Top 40 pop or rock didn’t exist that year based on what ended up making my Top Ten! Michael Buble released an EP of more standards including another Frank Sinatra cover, Nice ‘n Easy, which continued to make me feel good when I needed a pick me up from my counseling job at College of Du Page. Likewise, the Cole Porter bio pic, De-Lovely was released that year and got me into a string of his songs featured in the film including the John Barrowman/Kevin Kline belter Night and Day and Diana Krall’s piano driven version of Just One of Those Things. (Neither are available on Spotify.)
Both songs reminded me of sitting in New York clubs listening to jazz while drinking martinis. Another film released that year, Mona Lisa Smile, which to this day I’ve never seen, featured standards recorded quite skillfully by Chris Isaak, Besame Mucho, and Tori Amos doing You Belong to Me (a mid-century hit, not the Carly Simon pop hit of the late 70s.) Jackie Allen released another album featuring a more contemporary sounding but still more smooth jazz oriented song called The Performer. Even hip hop star turned movie actress Queen Latifah released an album featuring many songs from the American song book, including a great rendition of If I Had You.
My Top Ten of 2004:
1. Come Back (Light Therapy) – Josh Rouse
2. Night and Day – John Barrowman & Kevin Kline
3. Nice ‘n Easy – Michael Buble
4. Just One of Those Things – Diana Krall
5. You Belong to Me – Tori Amos
6. Goodnight Moon – Shivaree
7. Besame Mucho – Chris Isaak
8. The Performer – Jackie Allen
9. Doth I Protest Too Much – Alanis Morissette
10. If I Had You – Queen Latifah
All of this music was far from the mainstream at the time. I wasn’t listening to pop stations and it was hard to find other forms of new music. This stuff was hitting me on a deeply emotional level, reflecting drinks, clubs, and friends. In February, I did have a great time with friends in Puerto Vallarta again for my birthday where music and sun were everywhere.
I still felt something was off in my life though, and in March of 2004 I felt it was time to head back into therapy. The woman I began seeing, Joanne, had an office in a home in Naperville, Illinois. While waiting for my sessions I’d hear Christian music being played on a radio station, which irked me to no end. After confronting her about it, saying there was anti-gay rhetoric being spoken between songs, I began making her CDs of my favorite music which she would play in the waiting area on the days of my sessions.
As Christian as she was though, Joanne was the best type of Jesus-loving therapist to have. She was extremely supportive, non-judgmental, and she never pushed her religion, which by this point I had rejected, onto me. She loved music and films and recognized my passion for both. It became clear in our earliest sessions that I was not a happy camper, particularly with my counseling job. After literally crying to my supervisor, and later the Vice President of Student Affairs at College of Du Page, I felt it was time to move on from that part-time position. It wasn’t a horrible job I just wasn’t feeling the one-on-one student counseling role anymore. When a middle-aged woman would show up saying, “I need to find a good job” I wanted to roll my eyes and say, “Yes and what else is new! I have no idea how to help you.” I was scared to leave though. Counseling and advising had been a stable rock of income for me for eight years at this point. Occasionally various film courses I was scheduled to teach wouldn’t get a high enough enrollment to run, but at least I knew I’d have that regular income from my counseling and advising work. Truth was, I just really wanted to teach. I loved being in front of a classroom and sharing my knowledge with students. I didn’t have passion for what I was required to do as a counselor. So finally, that summer, I got up the courage to resign and say goodbye to my student development work. I’d still be in higher education but focusing exclusively on teaching film. I remember my last day as a counselor at College of Du Page being completely unceremonious. No one recognized my leaving after eight years. No one said goodbye. I simply left after my last shift one day.
At the time, I felt particularly connected to Alanis Morissette’s song Doth I Protest Too Much. While its primary subject is a woman speaking to a man at the end of their relationship, I couldn’t help but feel it reflected my own goodbye to my years as a counselor and advisor:
“I'm not saddened and I don't miss you cuz I have moved on too
I'm not concerned about your new lover cuz I've a new lover too
I'm not depressed
I don't get down that much
I'm not despondent
I am not dark as such
I'm never sad
Keep chin up stays in touch
Doth I protest too much
I'm not jealous
I don't get moved by much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
Doth I protest too much”
Fact is, I was pretty down throughout the first half of 2004. In addition to needing to say goodbye to one part of my career I felt I needed something more in my life (again.) Specifically, and desperately, I wanted a condo in Chicago and a dog. Ever since we’d go into the city to hang out in my friend Paula’s parents’ condo in high school, I dreamed of having a place in a high rise in Chicago. We were spending so much time there with Lee, Rob, Pat, Steve, Pete, and our more recent friends Jim and Loren, that it felt even more of a necessity than ever. Too often we’d drive home to Wheaton after a long night of drinking. Wouldn’t it be easier to have a place to crash in the city? It seemed that everyone we knew was doing it. So, after many years of mentioning this need to Frank, we finally made it happen. We bought a studio condominium at Park Place Tower in Chicago which featured a great view of the lake, downtown, and Wrigley Field. The place had everything we needed including a work out room, grocery store, and assigned parking spot (which we bought.)
Soon we began to have fun gatherings with friends and family in our small “weekend” condo. Martinis were always served and music was played loudly. (We’d get a few complaints about that…) The building was only blocks away from where I lived when I first met Frank so it felt like returning to a part of the city I loved and hadn’t spent enough time in for over a decade.
The dog was a harder sell. Frank had never grown up with pets. He’d had a few cats, as did we, for several years. By 2004, Frida had passed so only Black Face had to contend with the possibility of another creature in his midst. Frank agreed that we could adopt a dog on the grounds that I take care of any issues and if he chewed up anything he’d be gone. Thanks, Dad!
In June, we adopted Dillon. He was a beautiful black mix breed mutt who was extremely pleasant to have around but who hated loud noises such as trucks, buses, and storms. We closed on our condo in July and regularly brought Dillon to stay with us. He couldn’t handle walking the streets without pulling us away from its loud sounds, but he loved to romp on the beach at Wilson St. where there was a big area for dogs.
Dillon quickly became my best buddy. I wanted him to be with us everywhere. We’d bring him to friends’ houses and regularly left him with my mother whenever we’d go out of town.
The problem was, I was still depressed. I remember being in tears with Frank saying that even though I now had the condo I wanted and a dog I desperately loved, I was still not happy. Something was missing.
My therapist Joanne suggested it was anxiety and too much alcohol. She was probably right. I also really hated driving in the winter and freaked out whenever snow was forecast. It became clear that the winter months were not my friend. Josh Rouse released the song Come Back (Light Therapy) in 2004 which reflected all of these issues. Rouse was singing about the cold, dark winters in Scandinavia but I could completely relate:
“I've been waiting for the longest time
I want you to come back
Maybe if the sun would shine
It'd bring my happy back
In the dark
So tired of waking up and its dark
So tired of being stuck on my own here
Norway is cold dear
And here comes June
The sun is gonna shine in June
The doctor says I'll feel better soon
Fills my vitamin D pills
He hands me the big bill
Cause I've been waiting for the longest time
I want you to come back
Maybe if the sun would shine
You'd bring my happy back”
I needed summer, I needed medication, and I needed my happy back. Then, in early August, Frank, Pat, and I took a trip out to Portland, Oregon to visit my sister Judy who had divorced her first horrible husband and was now with Alan, a wonderfully jovial guy originally from Scotland. During the flight out there, I remember seeing dark storm clouds in the distance. Usually my fear of flying would rear its ugly head during these moments but somehow the clouds drifted past us and I felt a wave of joy and triumph come over me.
It was in this moment I felt my darkness had lifted. I had overcome my months long funk.
As the year went on Frank and I enjoyed more memorable trips to New York and Toronto. One of my favorite stories from that year’s New York Trip was seeing a play called Frozen (not to be confused with the later Disney musical) which was a serious and very stark production concerning the disappearance of a child. It starred Swoosie Kurtz and Brian O’Byrne. During the first act my mother and her friend Bernie were squirming and sighing in their seats. I knew they didn’t like the show. At intermission mom turned around and said, “Dan, I like a musical! We’re going to leave and get a drink.” They happily went for a cocktail at the famous 21 instead of watching the rest of the show. Afterwards, our group would always hang out and attempt to meet some of the stars who had appeared in any of the shows we were seeing. When Brian O’Byrne came out, I mentioned that we were a group from Chicago that was sitting near the stage. He said, “Yeah, we saw a group there including two older women. We were all taking bets backstage as to whether they’d return after the intermission.” I said, “Yep, that was my mom!”
I had my first Fall earning a living completely as a film instructor. I had one of my best terms at Moraine Valley and was now teaching additional film courses at College of Du Page. Shivaree’s Goodnight Moon came from Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill.
I had included his work in a course I designed called, “Film Directors: Today’s Mavericks” and I loved his adventurous filmmaking style. I was becoming more connected to his work and many other innovative directors. Film was now my focus and my professional life.
I also started re-discovering rock music by the end of year. Most notably was Franz Ferdinand’s self-titled first album. While none of the many great songs on that album made my Top Ten, most notably my favorite, Michael, I felt the tide was changing for 2005.
Links to my Top Ten of 2004:
Other favorites from 2004:
Michael - Franz Ferdinand, Those Sweet Words - Norah Jones, Mosquito - The Mosquitos, The Best Is Yet To Come - Chaka Kahn, Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand, Close Your Eyes - Queen Latifah, Hey Big Spender - Chaka Kahn, Amazing - George Michael, Worn Me Down - Rachael Yamagata, What is this Thing Called Love? - John Barrowman, Angels Dancing - Melissa Manchester, Hey Ya! - Outkast
What are some of your favorites from 2004:
Dillon and the condo certainly made this an unforgettable year. I miss them both. I also miss going to Puerto Vallarta but that is something that we could always do again. So glad that the guys on that trip are still in our lives! I remember your ups and downs that year and was quite proud how you were proactive with the downs. As always these posts and especially the videos make those days come alive for me.
Most of 2004 for me was spent taking part in a Canadian youth volunteer program called Katimavik. I got into Franz Ferdinand vis imported issues of NME and snagged a copy of the album while in Saskatchewan. Everyone else I was living with thought they sucked but I noticed a few of them suddenly liking them later on MySpace when "Take Me Out" blew up. 😂
Anyway, I enjoyed this as per usual, Dan! Can't believe how long ago 2004 was! 😵